


Who Dares To Love Forever? - Immortality Talk

by mansikka



Series: Who Dares To Love Forever? [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Immortality, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 08:36:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22361191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: A difficult meeting at the Clave forces a conversation about the one thing Magnus and Alec aren’t ready to even think about. After much reflection and research, Alec embarks on a journey to become immortal. Though with ceremonies to perform, sacrifices to be made, and an unexpected ‘gift’ from an absent Asmodeus, what will they both have to endure, to get their truly happy ever after?
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Who Dares To Love Forever? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1602904
Comments: 26
Kudos: 168
Collections: SHBingo





	Who Dares To Love Forever? - Immortality Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is for the _free_ bingo square which I decided meant _immortality talk_.
> 
> This is part two of a multichapter story that, solely for the purposes of this bingo, is posting as separate fics instead of chapters. 
> 
> I have taken several liberties to wedge all kinds of random bingo squares into one story. You'll see that when we get to the more complicated stuff. If you wanted to, some you could probably get away with reading as a standalone; if you squint and owlishly tilt your head enough. 
> 
> I... think that's all I have to tell you! Happy reading!

It is a beautiful, peaceful Sunday afternoon on their balcony in Alicante. Alec is sprawled out on a sun lounger with Magnus tucked in his arms, his thoughts drifting without settling on any one thing, just like the soft breeze in its occasional gusts around them. Magnus' kisses to Alec's bare skin put a smile on his face, and he is far too comfortable and content to even open his eyes. This is exactly what Sundays were made for. Lazy Sundays spent with his husband, and not another thing they need to do.

"I am so glad we decided to stay here this weekend," Magnus says absently. Alec hums in agreement, walking his fingertips over his back.

"Yeah, me too."

They had been supposed to be having dinner with his mom, Izzy, and Jace, in their latest attempts to get Jace doing _anything_ but thinking of Clary. Jace's pain for losing her hasn't faded; Alec can still feel it pulsing through their parabatai rune at times. Though it's not the pain that is the most prominent feeling he gets from Jace when he thinks about Clary. It's hope, and certainty, that one day Clary's memories will come back. Alec trusts him, aches for the thought of him being wrong, but supports him in whatever way he can. Like Jace, whenever he and Magnus go back to New York, there is a draw to check in on her, for reassurance that Clary is thriving—and safe—in her Mundane life. 

Though even the thought of doing something to help Jace wasn't enough to make Alec want to go back to New York this weekend. He needs Magnus, and right now Magnus needs him in a way he doesn't think he's seen from him before. He caught a glimpse of it on that horrible evening when Asmodeus had played on his insecurities, leading Alec to make one of the biggest, most devastating mistakes of his life. He squeezes Magnus in memory lifting up to kiss the top of his head, so desperately thankful that all of _that_ is behind them now. And right now, Magnus _needs_ him, needs to feel him close, to be sure Alec isn't going anywhere any time soon. Nothing else in this world is as important to Alec as reassuring him of that; at least while that decision is up to him, anyway.

"Alexander?" Magnus asks, sleepy, though acutely aware of every emotional shift in Alec without him needing to say a thing out loud.

Magnus, who's been all but following Alec from room to room since that _meeting_, who has endured all the mistrustful looks that stand out from the kinder ones when he walks through the halls of Idris to Alec's office, yet still endured them for needing to seek him out. Magnus knows him, knows all the important things about Alec, and all the less important ones he doesn't already know, he'll get to doing over a lifetime together.

A lifetime, Alec thinks, sure the breeze cools and stiffens as it rushes in at him to try to dull his mood. _One_ lifetime. It's all he's ever known he'd get, he's never had reason to want for more. In fact, until Magnus, Alec doubted he'd even reach thirty. But now, he thinks of thirty, and fifty, and seventy, and ninety. He thinks of children, and pets, and a legacy that will outlast him. And in these past few days, a wistful ache has settled in over his heart about not only wanting to build a legacy, but to be here for an indefinite period to see that legacy grow. That infernal Clave and Downworlder _meeting _has put ideas in Alec's head, and sorrow in Magnus' heart. Alec still wants to rip some of those meeting attendees apart, limb for limb; especially Clave members, whose pompous arrogance is putting a permanent stiffness of irritation down his spine. But for the sake of diplomacy, while Alec makes small, manageable changes in the hope of transforming the Clave for good, he has to settle for stares and scowls. Keeping his murderous intentions for _anyone_ who has hurt Magnus to himself.

"Are you okay?" Magnus asks, nuzzling against Alec's sternum.

"I'm good," Alec assures him, squeezing Magnus' waist and lifting up for another kiss.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

Magnus gives him a soft smile that says he knows he's not being entirely truthful. Alec licks his lips, sad for knowing the sorrow his words may cause him.

"When we spoke the other day. After the meeting," he says, seeing Magnus immediately understands, the way agony flashes across his face that he bravely tries to rein in with a sweet smile.

"Yes."

"I didn't realize it was something I even wanted until I—until I saw what it would do to you, if I left you behind." 

Alec wants to close his eyes for the pain still lingering on Magnus' face but won't; not if he's the one that's put it there. Even if it isn't something he's done intentionally. Magnus again reads his thoughts without Alec saying a word, pitching slightly to the side so he can cradle his face in one hand before withdrawing it again.

"Well. For all we have gotten better, and then worse, and then better again at communicating, that particular subject is going to be a difficult one for us. It was naive of me to dismiss it as I did in the past."

"Just as it was naive for me to not even really think about it; that one day, I'd leave you, and have no choice about it," Alec counters. "I got swept up in loving you, and I didn't think beyond that."

"We shouldn't have to," Magnus says softly, with sadness still in his eyes. 

"Well, we _do_ have to think about it."

"Alexander," Magnus says with that soft, delicate smile he gives when approaching something difficult. "Immortality can be a curse, rather than a reward."

"Because you outlive everyone you love," Alec says, squeezing his waist. All the people Magnus has lost. All the years he spent alone recovering from that hurt, and the pain _still_ lingering despite his efforts. If there is a way for Alec _not_ to be a part of something that leaves Magnus alone in the world, he is taking it, no matter how difficult it might be.

"Of course; at its worst, that is the curse of it. Though there is more," Magnus says, with caution beginning to trickle into his voice.

"Like what?"

"Like… watching the same mistakes repeating themselves over and over again, and people doing so little to change. Knowing there is great suffering in the world that you can do nothing to prevent, and barely enough to ease. As an immortal, you attract those who think you have the answers to everything, when clearly, I am just as clueless as everyone else," Magnus adds, laughing softly.

"But it has good sides too, right?" Alec asks, understanding all of Magnus' points but seeing so many possibilities as well.

Magnus' smile for him now is even more cautious, which stirs worry in Alec's heart. "What would you see as a _good side_?"

"Well. The first thing that comes to mind, after thinking of waking up with you every morning between here and eternity, obviously—"

"Obviously," Magnus repeats, with another soft, almost bittersweet smile.

"Is that… take that awful meeting we had, Magnus."

Magnus' closes his eyes, giving a sharp shake of his head. "I'd… rather not."

"No," Alec agrees, "but you know that if we work at it, if we keep working to make this coalition, this… _alliance_ between everyone. You know it's going to make an incredible difference to relations in the Shadow World, right?"

"Of course."

"But say it's not something that happens overnight—which we know it won't be. Say it takes weeks, months, or even decades. Or longer still. If we're not here to witness that, or to be a part of that, how do we know all these awful meetings we're sitting through, and suffering for, aren't for nothing?"

Magnus' nod is slow, and considered. "I suppose."

"Magnus, we could help change so _much_ together. Look at you; you already do. You've brokered alliances between Downworlders that haven't been possible everywhere. You've established relations with Shadowhunters—"

"Reluctant relations," Magnus points out, stopping him, and winking in tease.

Alec snorts with laughter and leans to steal a kiss. "You've invented things like the portal, and been there to watch it through every stage of its development. You've done so much _good_, Magnus."

"Yes, but I've also done much that is bad."

Alec refuses to hear that, not wanting Magnus to spiral into a round of self-loathing that such conversations sometimes inspire. "I don't think any life is free from either of those things, good _or_ bad. I think… I think every life has to be a balance of both. If we strive to be only one thing or the other, I don't think that's true to any of us."

"You are wise beyond your years," Magnus tells him, still teasing though his words also filled with love.

"That's because of _you_," Alec says, tapping his thumbs against his back. "And that's sort of my point, too. If we're around for longer—if _I'm_ around for longer—then together, we can help people, we can… I don't know, Magnus. We can _be_ here. We'd be here to watch over our family, and our family's families. And those of our friends. We'd… I think we could do so much."

Magnus is silent as he watches him, dropping his chin against his sternum. "You've really been thinking about this."

"Of course I have. I don't want to leave you behind. Not if I don't have to."

Magnus smiles, drops a kiss against his skin. Alec knows he doesn't believe him. He can't be upset for it, or even angry; how many times has Magnus been left behind, or nothing but an afterthought to someone? Of course he can't believe what Alec is telling him; not yet, anyway.

"What?" he asks, watching further turmoil wage across Magnus' face. He's caught the look a lot over the past few days, and wants to do anything he can to help Magnus lose it.

"Alexander. The number of those who have chosen to become immortal over my long, long life, I can count on one hand. It isn't like… well. Not many do this by choice, nor for good intentions."

"There have to be people who've become vampires who—"

"Is that a life you would choose for yourself, Alec?" Magnus asks, rolling his neck then sitting up. Alec follows, holding on to Magnus' waist as he swings his leg over the chair to straddle his lap. He waits until Magnus has thrown his arms over his shoulders before answering.

"No. It isn't."

This is the problem, Alec thinks. He would happily become immortal tomorrow, but if the only option to do so is vampirism, he either needs to do it quickly to get it over with, or take a little time to get used to the idea. Anything in between those two options and he'll not go through with it at all. And even then the chance of him seeing it through, and what the consequences are; Alec isn't sure he could go through with it unless it's done fast enough for him to not have to think about.

Magnus is pensive as he looks at him, which puts all kinds of thoughts in Alec's head. His stomach knots when Magnus gives him a flicker of a smile. "Those very few I have known who have chosen immortality, they… they do not go into it looking to serve."

"I don't—"

"You just listed a long, long list of very good, noble reasons, and for my part, very loving reasons, for why you would consider immortality," Magnus points out, and for the tone of his words, doesn't seem to like the idea at all. Now Alec really is confused.

"Is that… bad?"

"Alexander. I don't know the specifics of how to make such a thing happen. But I do know it isn't something to take lightly."

"Well, of course not—"

"And what I mean by that," Magnus says, pausing long enough to kiss him in what Alec thinks is reassurance; does he really look that concerned? "is that you would have to be absolutely, totally, completely sure."

"I would be. I am," Alec argues, telling himself not to start hoping; not if this is something Magnus doesn't really want. Not even if he's thought of little else and all the things he sees in his future if immortality is what he gets to have. 

"But you haven't mentioned a single thing you'd want from immortality for _yourself_," Magnus tells him, giving Alec a heartbreaking, resigned smile. 

_Oh_. Now Alec understands his hesitation; the shift of tone in Magnus' voice is sorrowful, and wistful, like he thinks Alec will change his mind—like _he_ is afraid to hope too much. Magnus doesn't believe he'll have an answer for him, not a good enough reason to _want_ to be immortal to endure whatever it takes to make him that.

"Well, that's because that part is easy," Alec says, holding his hands up for Magnus to slot his fingers through. When he does, Alec pulls his hand closer to smack a kiss to the back of it.

"What?"

"To live."

"Well—"

"I mean it," Alec says, wrapping his arms around him. Magnus shakes his head and starts to move again. This time he settles between Alec's legs, grabbing his hands so he knows to rest them over his forearms. He is _still_ worried, Alec thinks, pressing kisses into Magnus' neck with just enough pressure to make it tickle, not planning on talking again until Magnus at least laughs. Magnus squirms for the attention, fighting against that laughter before relenting with a whine and _giggle_ as he tucks his face into his shoulders to block his efforts. "You are a _turtle_."

"Panda."

"Armadillo."

"_Pup_."

"Okay. That's _it_," Alec says, now tickling him mercilessly, draping his legs over Magnus' so he can't move and tickling him until he barks with laughter. When Magnus turns to look at him in reproach, the pout on his face is accompanied with mascara and eyeliner-tainted tears rolling down his cheeks from laughing so much, and is ruined because Magnus is fighting so hard against smiling. Alec _has_ to kiss him, only pausing to wipe the black tears from his face, holding up one thumb for Magnus to see with a mock grimace. 

"And for _that_," Magnus says, snapping his fingers to clean it all away, "_you_ are wearing eyeliner the next time we go dancing."

"Magnus," Alec says as he settles back in his arms, pressing a firmer kiss to his neck that won't tickle as he holds his hands up. "I'll even wear _nail polish_ if it makes you happy."

"Will you wear that mesh shirt I bought you?"

"I'll even wear those leather pants you like so much," Alec teases, mouthing at his earlobe and smiling when Magnus shudders for it.

"We can go tonight. Both of us can call in sick tomorrow, and—"

"I thought you had a meeting with Luke first thing tomorrow?" Alec asks, snorting laughter into Magnus' shoulder for his, "_urgh_," of protest. "Next weekend. We'll go dancing next weekend. Anywhere you want."

"_Fine_. But I'll hold you to it," Magnus replies, then clears his throat and sighs, hesitating before continuing. "You were saying something before. About… becoming immortal."

Alec now knows exactly what he wants to say. "Magnus. Before I met you, my life was nothing. Not _nothing_; but it was nothing but serving. I followed all these rules, did everything everyone expected of me, didn't take a single thing I wanted for myself. Not even a moment. My whole life was training, fighting, and working. I didn't even… I knew the things I couldn't have, so I tried to never let myself want it—any of it. And I didn't—there are _so_ many things I want for myself now, that I'm not going to have enough time to experience even half of them, even if I'm lucky enough to die of old age."

"Well. When you put it that way—"

"I didn't even let myself think about having a family until I was with you," Alec tells him, imagining their home shared with children, of reading bedtime stories like he used to do with Max, of sleepless nights spent rocking a baby to sleep. All done with _Magnus_, who is the first person in the world that has ever truly considered the things that _Alec_ wants.

Magnus clears his throat, resting his head against Alec's. "Well. It has never been something that crossed my mind until you, either, to be honest."

"But it's more than that too."

"Then, what?"

Again Alec pauses, because when he lets himself really think about it, there is so _much_ that he wants. Where is he supposed to start? "I want to… there are places in the world, we haven't been to together yet, right? And people whose lives are so different from ours, that I—there are whole other ways of living that I don't even know about yet. But I _want_ to know. And I want to know more things about myself."

"Such as?" Magnus asks in encouragement.

"Like… _before_, I only knew I was interested in archery, and training, because that's who I was. Who I _am_; only, I don't think I'm just that person anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that it's only since I've known you, that I figured out I like music, and dancing, and just doing anything I _feel _like doing; just for _me_. Like I didn't… Magnus, before, since I was really, really young, I didn't even really know I could pick up a book just for _fun_. If it wasn't to learn a rune, or to memorize something from our history, or reminding myself of some strategy for a mission; I never read just because I wanted to."

"You love reading," Magnus says softly, almost surprised.

"Exactly. How many books in the world are there for me to read, that… even if I was a Mundane, at my age, how many great books would I have already read? What else have I missed out on?" 

Magnus presses his head back against him firmer. "Okay. Well, those do sound like good reasons."

"I want to know who I _am_, Magnus," Alec says, closing his eyes. "I want to know who I am besides the guy who's always followed the rules."

"I'd say you've broken a few of late," Magnus teases, though now his voice is laced with hope, like he's daring himself to trust Alec's words. Alec knows relief for it, knows it's going to be days filled with conversations like this before Magnus truly lets himself believe it. 

"I think there is more to me, more that I can want, and have, and _be_, than just another Shadowhunter, Magnus. I _know_ there is. Not in a selfish way, or to be arrogant, but just… to be _me_. Me first, without anything else. Does that make sense?"

"It does. Though you aren't just _another Shadowhunter_. You're the _Inquisitor_."

"I am," Alec agrees, "and if you'd told me a couple of years ago that this is where I'd be, I wouldn't have believed you. But I'd have said it was all I wanted in my life."

"But now?"

"But now, I know it's not. I know it's not _everything_. Of course, it's still a huge part of who I am, but not _all_ I am. Am I making any sense?" Alec says again, fearing he's talking himself in circles.

"I think so," Magnus agrees after a pause, stroking his fingers over Alec's arms in thought. 

"You understand what I'm saying?"

"I do. Though I also know that this discussion, these… conversations, they are but the very first hint of a step towards making anything more… that there would be so much for us to do. For you to become… _that_."

"Well. No one said we had to do it today. And no one said we had to do _anything_, Magnus; you'd have to want this too."

"With all that I am," Magnus says softly after a long, long pause, his voice so quiet Alec has to press in closer to hear him.

"Then, if there is a way for us to figure this out, we'll figure it out," Alec replies, turning his head enough so he can kiss his cheek.

Magnus burrows down further in his arms, and Alec knows that their discussion is over for now. Though he also knows it will continue, that they'll discuss it over and over again, sometime soon. He closes his eyes against the sun letting that peace from earlier wash over him again, allowing his thoughts to wander to their future and what that might bring. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to come see if there are any updates or sneak peeks about this fic, come find me on [Tumblr](https://mansikkaomenabanaani.tumblr.com/).


End file.
